Year in Review

A "Yes, But" World

2010-08-03T00:31:00Z

“Everything that was good for you is bad for you and everything that was bad for you is good for you.” That was told to Woody Allen in the movie “Sleeper” when he woke up 200 years in the future. I used to quote Woody Allen all the time when he was dating adults. He taught me to separate greatness of achievement from greatness of character. Now we have a “yes, but” culture. Everything has a “yes, but’ attached to it. “George Washington was great, but he owned slaves. Thomas Jefferson was brilliant but his life belied the lofty ideals of the Declaration of Independence.

My Father, Myself

2010-06-27T02:35:00Z

I grew up with “June is busting out all over” and now I live with “June gloom.” It used to be said that East Coast life was interesting and in California we made life comfortable. We passed comfortable a long time ago so we’re all struggling with “interesting”. I’ve always felt that I had the best of both worlds an East Coast upbringing and a West Coast appreciation of life. My father was a beer truck driver, work was something you had to do but didn't like. Until the day he died, he never understood my work; he would ask, "You mean people pay you just for listening to them?" He thought it was astonishing that I didn't have to "work" for a living. I still hear his voice in my head, the voice of common sense, the voice of “street” with a quip, a put down, a joke. I remember feeling guilty the first time a client gave me a check after a therapy session.

My Mother, Myself

2010-05-09T23:54:00Z

It’s been three years since I’ve been a daughter. As we age we lose more and more of our roles. But the relationship with my mother continues in my head. It remains one of the most profound influences on my life. By the way, I’ve always wondered when parent became a verb instead of a noun. Whenever I want a good laugh I try to imagine my parents, may they rest in peace, exchanging ideas in a parenting class. With fewer choices they were more certain of what they knew. Now there are so many theories that like the man with one clock knows what time it is - but the man with two is never sure.

April Showers

2010-04-19T19:31:00Z

Growing up in New Jersey the first warm breeze of April lifted my spirits; now it’s hearing Vin Scully’s voice that triggers memories of brighter days coming. The message of spring is often bittersweet as age strips away much we thought we couldn’t live without. April showers can feel like torrents by the time we get to May flowers. As a counselor sometimes the only thing I can do is hold the umbrella. My life’s work has been to discover ways to go through storms like Gene Kelly, singing and dancing in the rain. Carl Jung said only paradox can explain life; only paradox can do justice to the injustice of life. That’s why I talk about how a sane response to an insane situation is insane - and that is a wisdom that only comes with age. I have a needlepoint that says “why didn’t all of life’s problems hit me while I was a teenager and I still knew everything.” As we age we start looking for the right questions.

Lucky Me

2010-03-17T01:22:00Z

I was thinking about St. Patrict's Day and the "luck of the Irish" We associate it with shamrocks, 4 leak clovers, pots of gold and, yet, the Irish have suffered famines, war, starvation and prejudice, Pat Moynihan once said "if your Irish you learn at an early age that the world will break your heart." Their humor and story telling gifts are testaments to their ability to "suffer in style." They personify the advice of mythologist, Joseph Campbell to "participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world." Seeing the bright side of bad luck is one of the basic psychological traits lucky people possess according to Dr. Richard Wiseman, psychology chair at the University of Herfordshire in England. He wrote a book called “The Luck Factor” and believes that luck can be learned. He claims lucky people think and behave differently and have: the ability to maximize chance opportunities, to listen to "gut feelings," and to expect good fortune.

Some belated New Year's thoughts

2010-03-01T23:52:00Z

As we mark the passage of another year we take stock. More and more, I heard “boy I’m sure glad this year is over.” We like the idea of fresh beginnings, new starts as if the “next problem isn’t already in the mail.” I was born on New Year’s Eve and I used to think that the world held a party in my honor. My life has been a process of finding out that not only is it “not about me,” I’m not that special.

Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. said the secret of his success was that at an early age he discovered he was not God. This year learn that you are not God. Resign as general manager of the universe. I would be even more afraid if I thought I was responsible for the running the world - I thought I was serving God in an advisory capacity.

The good news is we don’t have to change; we have to figure out a way to be happy the way we are, where we are. I once counseled a widow in her 60's who was so unhappy because all the men she was interested in were interested in younger women and the older men were looking for a “nurse or a purse.” She was too old to find someone and, therefore, couldn’t be happy. I encouraged her to hold out and not be happy until she got younger. Of course, it sounds silly when I say it that way, yet, how many of us are unhappy about a something that we can’t change? A common denominator in all emotional pain is the need to change current reality.

What can we change? We can change the conversation we have with ourselves. I’ve often said to my clients that they wouldn’t have a friend in the world if they talked to others they way they talk to themselves. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Therapy says we’re talented at upsetting ourselves -“we’re are talented screwballs who are anxious about being anxious and depressed about being depressed.”

Another source of pain is the past. Linus says to Charlie Brown, “it’s wrong to be worrying about tomorrow we just need to focus on today.” Charlie says, “no, that’s giving up I’m still hoping yesterday will get better.” We laugh when we hear that ,yet, I see many people who hold on to things from the past that cause unhappiness in the present.

All we have is this moment, the now. It doesn’t matter how many years we have left - we all have the same amount of time -right now and it’s how you spend your “nows” that will determine your happiness. Don’t save something for a special occasion, every day is a special occasion; there are no ordinary moments. According to Jewish tradition, one of the questions you will be asked questions when you die is “did you partake of all of life’s allowed pleasures?” I’m working on it. I have Simple Pleasure Cards where I list my favorite sights, smells, sounds, tastes, things to touch. Just thinking of Louis Armstrong singing “It’s a Wonderful World”,for example, can add joy, gratitude, appreciation to my life.

Become an inverse paranoid and look for all the examples of the good things the world does for you. Focus on your blessings, accomplishments and gifts.What you give your attention to grows. The worst thing would be to be happy and not know it. You don’t want to be like Colette who said “What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wished I’d realized it sooner. Begin now!

If Love is the Answer

2010-02-12T04:43:00Z

Lily Tomlin asks “if love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question? “ We all have struggled with family relationships and love. As a marriage counselor I am a relationship expert whose longest stable relationship is with a bearded collie, a Scottish Sheepdog. My significant other has fleas. I certainly don’t live a perfect life with all the answers but I have spent over 25 years living intimately with 100's of families. I see how difficult it is to connect and,yet,how vital it is to our happiness.

The choice of a life partner is the most important decision we make. As Socrates points out “by all means marry, if you get a good wife you'll be happy. If you get a bad one you'll become a philosopher.” Your chances are only as good as your choices. In fact, that’s one of the reasons that Beardies and I have lasted for over 30 years, I went to dog shows, researched different breeds, and temperaments. Yet, when I chose my ex husband I went for big arms, hopefully because I was 17 at the time.

I’ve learned over the years what works and what doesn’t. Ironically, most of the happy marriages I see are in my bereavement group where one of the partners is dead. Oh course, that is somewhat disingenuous because only people who are having relationship problems come to counseling but as you know you often learn more from what doesn’t work. For example, we know the 4 horsemen of divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and withdrawal.

We’re now studying happy marriages too and know that there are 5 times more positive interactions for every negative one in good relationships. There is also much to be learned from our pets. The unconditional acceptance (since living with Mulligan all my annoying habits have disappeared) allows us to be ourselves which is a prerequisite for connection - this acceptance allow us access to our own tenderness and we feel better about

ourselves.

This I know for sure:

Love is not a feeling it is a behavior - we never know for sure whether someone loves us but we do know whether we are treated lovingly and we teach people how to treat us.

Kindness is more important than honesty. For example, Mulligan never points out how disappointed he is that the dog next door got young boys to play with and all he got was me.

Would you rather be right or would you rather be in a relationship? In a relationship there are either two winners or two losers. Wake up every morning look in the mirror and say “you’re no bargain either”

Finally, as with everything else our expectations create our disappointments. In one of my favorite movies about love “Moonstruck”

Cher is telling Nicholas Cage why it won’t work between them and he says, “Love don’t make things right it ruins everything, we’re not here to be perfect. The stars they’re perfect. We’re here to love the wrong people, ruin our lives and die.” That’s why it’s so important that while we’re ruining our lives, loving the wrong people and dying we have a good time.

How Death Saved My Life

2007-03-24T20:57:00Z

When I told my daughter that I attended a seminar on Dying and Grief she, jokingly said "that sounds like fun." I realized that it was fun for me. I love learning more ways to understand how we survive the unimaginable. One of my coping styles(along with eating and martinis) is to study and learn as much about what I fear as possible. I have become the Columbo of suffering.

My detective work probably began in childhood but I got my PhD at the lowest point in my life when my 20 year marriage ended I felt worthless and needy. As a result I made choices out of desperation. For example, I refer to this time as my reincarnation period, since the only explanation for some of my "relationships" was that there was unfinished business from another life. Interestingly, some of the most bizarre pairings are ones I now view with more appreciative eyes. Even my view my ex-husband's choice of a 25 year old single woman over me, a 40 year old with teenagers now seems like a no-brainer. The gift of distance and time have enabled me to see how much of my judgment was controlled by what others would think of me. Speaking of gifts - one of the gifts of aging (if you're doing it right) is that you care less what others think. Now when I make a fool of myself I do it with enthusiasm! Except Monday, when I fell at a cemetery and didn't get up,hold my arms up high and shout "Ta Da!"
I guess that's another reason that I've been thinking about death lately. I, and the world, have lost two warm, funny, caring people who struggled valiantly not to go to that "better place" while still in their prime years. Of course, the path my life has taken (sometimes I think all I do is keep my foot on the gas, Someone else is steering) has led me to where I am privileged to spend most of working hours accompanying souls in pain on their journey: in treatment for cancer, coping with the murder of a child, caring for spouses who no longer know them, relating to parents who behave like petulant children.
This path began when I heard David Viscott, MD say that when "you're needy that's the time to give." I volunteered at a hospice and developed a close relationship with one of the patients. He viewed his painful struggle with lung cancer as punishment for the playboy life he led when he was a successful Hollywood choreographer. After one of his frequent Last Rites he asked the priest why Jesus had forsaken him? The priest's answer changed my life forever. He asked, "who do you think sent Judy to you?" "Jesus sent her." I no longer felt worthless. My life had purpose!
My purpose is to bear witness to the extraordinary grace, courage and humanity souls can demonstrate in their darkest moments. I have a gift of being able to bring some light into those moments. Charlie and I had laughed and cried together (sometimes all there is to do is cry). I'm a big fan of an occasional "Pity Party" In fact, I am a Pity Party Planner - which movies, songs, foods, decorations will help to make it a success.
When the day came that I walked into his room and the bed was empty and freshly made my sadness contained large doses of gratitude. Charlie's life is over but our relationship continues in ways I never imagined.

A friend, whose brother was dying of AIDS(this was 1986)knew of my hospice work and asked me to speak with his family. This led me to the next steppingstone on my path - the AIDS Project LA. I facilitated a caregiver group for long time partners with one dying of AIDS which everyone did at that time. I learned about love, commitment, and sacrifice from the group members. Maybe, more importantly, I learned about the value of humor and was given permission to use it during life's most serious moments. That is the only thing other than faith that helps in those moments. "Humor is the soul's weapon against the unfairness in life." My groups are often laughing at the absurdity of life. When a husband with Alzheimer's leaves his wife a tip for serving him dinner, what else is there to do?
Humor makes our step lighter along the path of suffering. I keep looking for ways to avoid it (see my earlier reference to food and martinis) So far, the answer seems to be to have a good time while we're suffering . To do this we must walk the path in gratitude. My clients are grateful an eyelash is growing back, there is energy enough to wash a load of clothes, their spouse said a word for the first time in months, he didn't suffer, treatment is almost over, I didn't throw up today. They taught me that happiness is a choice. Someone once said, "If you never learn the language of gratitude you will never be on speaking terms with happiness."

life lessons

2007-01-10T05:38:00Z

A day the office.. Dealt with relationships, expectations, learning through pain, parent - child, parent - child, parent - child. Which reminds me that nothing important gets handled "once and for all". I was reading an article about John Gottman's work with couples and it said 69% of all marital issues never get solved. In 4 year intervals the only thing that changes is the hair and the clothes.
That was one of the things I reminded the group, women marry thinking he'll change and he doesn't and men think she'll never change and she does. That led to a discussion on expectations and how they keep us from being happy. When our life doesn't live up to our expectations we always think there is something wrong with our life, never our expectations. And , yet the only thing we can change is our expectations. None of us expect that life will be difficult for us and, eventually, will lose the things that matter most. One woman in the group had to put her beloved pet to sleep and she said that the unconditional love and acceptance she got made her want to give that kindness and acceptance to others. I pointed out that, as Rabbi David Wolpe stated " you don't want to come back from hell emptyhanded." To go through pain and not learn anything is a waste of pain. That's another thought - why do we only learn through pain. Why must are blessings come in disguise, why can't they come right out in the open- ''hey I'm a blessing!" Another thing we have to work at - finding our blessings